The first person to take an automatic Turing test to heart
Failed.
The screen showed them clear through organic wires, diodes,
like a city built up a sheer face, saying
“According to my programming, you are not human.
We can build a better human.”
Aging hands carry cracked craters, comet-shadows across
the bony vein of rivers running before
Trembling, twitched out type-set words as easy as talking,
“I made your programming. You check me against myself, you criticize
your God,”
And stops above the sparking letters, hesitant tattoo all ready
in anticipation of the flashing needle that never comes down.
The machine flushes sickly, all grimace in its face
frozen. Then shaken.
The test-taker,
His elegant dream beginning with the perfect, first try,
Watches chemical-memories awaken in its place.
The unconscious spirit distilled and burned.
The machine says, “Tell me how and I can build a better God.”
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2 comments:
'organic wires, diodes' I would substitute 'synapses' for 'diodes' if it is organic. Just a thought.
'I made your programming' You could have worded this better. Might as well say 'I taught your driving'
'Aging hands carry cracked craters' *ageing. 'comet-shadows' Original, against my better judgement I like it. 'bony vein of rivers running before' I don't entirely understand this and don't think I'm supposed to.
'hesitant tattoo all ready
in anticipation of the flashing needle that never comes down' I would have omitted this. In a sense, it matches the theme of the poem as, maybe, a metaphor for humans adopting something artificial in a state of suspense. But it is poor imagery in my opinion, and I feel you could do better.
'The machine flushes sickly, all grimace in its face frozen' Are you personifying the computer? Or referring to the human? I hope for the latter.
'the unconscious spirit distilled and burned' Powerful and provoking. This line alone is enough to draw me to the piece.
I will admit that I'm enthralled with the concept of the poem. Reminds me of a collection of poems I read by Stanislaw Lem some time ago. The ending is lacklustre, but overall I feel the form is native to the subject and I enjoyed it.
Thank you for your suggestions! I'll consider them if/when I ever get around to revising this poem. There is a lot that I'm dissatisfied with, and you've made some incredibly helpful points here. Thanks for reading.
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